I see this one a lot.  (also see Blind Spots) Most parents have  some area that they are living in reaction too,   probably more that they realize.  Fear based parenting is usually driven out of insecurity, reaction, and/ or an attempt to control those things that in reality are against the odds.  I’m not talking about recklessness, but rather about  obsession or faulty perception.  When parents gets caught up in fear based parenting the child is also learning.    They learn fear or react to something that they don’t  understand that seems out of balance (as well as drive everyone else nuts).    Parents need to to ask themselves direct questions (or others that will be honest)  that help them to balance.   Caution is good, but fear is not balanced either.     Parents do better when they also learn about their own issues, understand what they do have power over and then not live in fear.

How do you recognize this fear?… Often from the reactions of others.  There’s mothering and then there is smothering.  There’s protectiveness in concerned parents over children’s psyche and then there is psycho parenting that has no faith in the resilience of the child’s unique personality/individuality.  It is like the parent cannot separate themselves from their own perceptions.  The child’s capacity to process difficulties with loving direction and guidance of the a parent who believes in the child’s strengths will help the child mature and process their own experiences, not the parents’ experiences in their lives.

Older parents usually smile when observing young parents who worry about inconsequential occurrences born out of children’s immaturity or age appropriate responses.   Far too much weight is put upon a normal trial of growing up because of parents transferring their perceptions from their past mistreatment or misunderstanding.   Oftentimes the responses to the child are not driven by what is the most beneficial for the kids, but out of a reaction from painful personal and previous experiences.  Not really parenting for the best  interest of the child is hurtful to parents and the children influenced by the parents’ unrest or effort to control something for their sakes more than for the child’s.

It is more visible in first time or young parents.   Painful personal experiences  sometimes overshadow parenting perspectives that are not a part of children’s thinking or experience.  Inadvertently patterns of reactions  that are perceived as real to the parents are not a part of what the child has experienced.  Children often integrate mistaken reactions into their personality even if what they perceive is not in their repertoire of experience.

This is where trusted mentors and insight of others can help the parents understand the forces affecting their responses to their children.  It is important that parents can process their perceptions without harsh judgment, but with compassion.  Healing or changing understandings is a process that requires time and support from those who observe the distress of a parents’ experiences.